Day 4
I often think of how Matthew would have reacted to the world events since March 2020. They would have affected him deeply, just like they have so many of us. If he was alive today, knowing what I have learned over the past 19 months, I would have told him that the chaos in this world today is temporary, and if we support each other, and lean on each other, we can get through it. I only wish Matt would have leaned on us more when he was struggling.
When Matthew first realized he was not feeling himself, he was silent. His struggles with his mental health happened overnight—with a couple blows to his head. He told no one for a month or so. He tried to live his life with a smile on his face, yet deep inside, his thoughts were tearing him apart. He spent the last years of his life sometimes struggling so much that he could barely function, and other times he appeared to function almost too well. During both of those times, those who did not know him well would never even have known he ever had a problem. Still, there were other times where he acted like the same old Matt, and we were hopeful that he was “cured”. What I know now is that we all have a mental health, just like we all have a physical health. And just like our physical health where we need to monitor ourselves regularly, we need to do the exact same with our mental health. I look back at pictures and try to look deep into Matt’s eyes to see if I can pick out when he was struggling. Most times I can’t, just like many times over the last five years of his life, he had us fooled. I found these words on Matt’s computer shortly after he passed away:
“From my experience it was always the numbness that was the most difficult to overcome. Feeling deprived of emotion is soul sucking. It can last for days, weeks, or months and there is almost nothing you can do to change that. There are ways those who love us can provide an ounce of emotion, however, it is unconditional love and companionship. That does not have to be in the form of talking things out all the time. It can just be giving them warm energy and being in their presence. They will fight you on it but that is something you can win with them as long as you are willing to not say a word and risk feeling useless. You aren’t useless, it is just at that moment you cannot reach them on the level that they were on before.”
Matthew had his reasons for hiding his true feelings. Some of them include being ashamed, being embarrassed, not wanting to let us down, and worrying about what others may think of him. Once he did open up, he felt as though everyone looked at him differently.
If I could have given him advice about opening up about his struggles, I probably would have told him that it’s important to be open about his difficulties. But the way he went about it, a Facebook post in the middle of the night, may not have been the best approach. After he posted his “Start the Conversation Now” post, it caused him a tremendous amount of pain. Not only did he then have to deal with his mental health struggles, he also had to deal with the stigma of how others perceived and treated him. It’s one thing to struggle and open up about struggles to others. It’s another thing, in an impulsive moment, to shout it from the mountaintop, without first thinking things through.
We don’t have all the answers, but one thing we are trying to do is to educate ourselves better and help others understand the importance of mental health awareness. I think it’s imperative to try to help not just those who are struggling with their mental health, but everyone. This way, the more people who have a better understanding of mental health, the more it may help lessen the stigma. Rather than focusing on a person’s mental health problems, we can try to understand them better. Rather than judging them and thinking they are less of a person because they are struggling, we can celebrate their love and their presence and importance in this world.
In December 2020, Ross Szabo virtually spoke to Nichols students,faculty and staff, parents, and some of our One Last Goal Friends. In some ways, Ross reminded me so much of Matthew. He came from a loving family, he was intelligent, he worked hard, he was kind, and he was on track to do amazing things with his life. Then, all of a sudden, his life took a turn for the worse—I guess we could call it a perfect storm. What I find inspiring about Ross’ story is that he is living proof that a person can have some trauma and serious struggles with their mental health at times in their lives, but it doesn’t have to define their every waking moment.
In his talk, Ross introduced the mental health spectrum, and the way he explained it made total sense to me. For one who had no prior experiences in anyone close to me struggling with their mental health before Matthew, I realized that a person’s mental health is rather fluid. There are times when a person may be struggling so much that they are not able to balance, and they may need constant support, and other times when that person can function with little support. It truly helped me understand how we need to be concerned about the mental health of ourselves and also each and every one of our loved ones. We all need support at some time in our lives. Ross gave me hope, and I believe he gave others hope too.
I am excited that we are able to bring Ross back to our community for some additional virtual talks! On March 3rd, at 7 pm, he is going to speak again. The Maria Love Fund is sponsoring Ross in partnership with One Last Goal. On March 3rd, at 7 pm, there will be a free virtual talk with Ross on mental health. Chances are, if I would have known about an event like this before Matthew was struggling, I would have had no interest in tuning into it. But if I would have listened to Ross speak earlier, I know I would have approached Matthew’s struggles very differently.
By watching Ross, and asking him questions, it just may be what a person needs to help themselves or their loved ones, now, or in the future, because we never, ever know when someone may start struggling with their mental health. This is the link to register for the March 3rd talk. https://marialovefund.ejoinme.org/behindthemask
1. I donated to the Erie County Anti-Stigma Coalition. I wish I had known about this organization before the summer of 2019. https://letstalkstigma.org/
2. For my random act of kindness, I didn’t get a chance to do anything extra. I tried to be kind to everyone I interacted with, but I wasn’t able to do a random one. I will try harder tomorrow.
3. My workout was an easy one today. Sets of 12 leg lifts, while listening to “Strawberry Fields Forever” and looking at Matt’s picture.